How to hunt Elephants

MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.

EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.

PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.

EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

HARDWARE ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.

CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.

OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.

SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will:
(1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and
(2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.

SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.

HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.

A helicopter was flying above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it up in the helicopter window. The pilot's sign said, "Where am I?" in large letters.

The people in the tall bulding quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it to the window of their building. Their sign read, "You are in a helicopter."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at the map, determined the course to steer to the SEATAC airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "You are in a helicopter" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer]"

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?" "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision," said St. Peter.

"Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

"This is great]" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven]"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful] This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago] I can't believe this is happening] What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?"

"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

A true story:

A guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: "What's the problems?"
User: "There is smoke coming out of the power supply."
Tech: "You'll need a new power supply."
User: "No I don't! I just need to change the startup files."
Tech: "Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it."
User: "No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command."
- 10 minutes later, the LUser is still adamant that they are right. The Tech is frustrated and fed up.
Tech: "Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem."
User: "I knew it!"
Tech: "Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes."
- 10 minutes later.
User: "It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking."
Tech: "Well, what version of DOS are you using?"
User: "MS-DOS 6.22."
Tech: "That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes."
- 1 hour later.
User: "I need a new power supply."
Tech: "How did you come to that conclusion?"
User: "Well, I rang Microsoft and told him all about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply."
Tech: "Then what did he say?"
User: "He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE."

Feed AA Pilots

The frog princess

A boy was crossing the road one day when a frog called out to him and said:"if you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said:"if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week". The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out:"if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you and do anything that you want!" Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back in his pocket. Finally, the frog asked:"what is it? I've told you I am a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do ANYTHING you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said: "Look, I'm a programmer. I don'T have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."

Little Johnny and Jane are playing in the garden when they start having an argument about whether boys are better than girls. After a while Johnny stands up and pulls down his shorts saying ... 'Boys are better than girls 'cos you haven't got one of these!!'. Jane looks at him in astonishment as she knows that she hasn't got one of those between her legs. She bursts out crying and rushes inside to her mother. A little while later she comes back out with a big smile on her face. 'My mum says girls are better than boys', she says. 'No they're not.' says Johnny pulling down his shorts, 'You haven't got one of these!'. Jane looks at him, then raises her skirt, pulls down her panties and says ..... 'My mum says that as long as I've got one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!!'

Think about this ...

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both were shot in the head.

Here is an interesting one...

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.

Both assassins were know by their three names.

Both names compromise fifteen letters.

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST,

A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.

Interoffice Memo

SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

Interoffice Memo by J. Breustedt Esq, Personnel Damager

SUBJECT: EARLY RETIREMENT

Due to the current financial situation (2.9% pay rise), the Management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over 34 on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Retirement Scheme). The situation of persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme for Retired Workers). A person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice, but SCREWED as many times as the Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents or Spouses) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel or Early Severence). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons staying will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives the employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring it to the attention of your Team Leader, he/she has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Damagement
Human Resources Department

SELF-IMPROVEMENT COURSES:

SELF-IMPROVEMENT
RI 500 Creative suffering
RI 501 Overcoming Peace of Mind
RI 502 You and Your Birthmarks
RI 503 Guilt Without Sex
RI 504 The Primal Shrug
RI 505 Ego Gratification Through Violence
RI 506 Moulding your Child's Behavior Through Guilt and Fear
RI 507 Dealing With Post-Realization Depression
RI 508 Whine your Way To Alienation
RI 509 How to Overcome Self-Doubt Through Pretence and Ostentation
RI 510 How to Cope with Jet Lag
RI 511 How to Improve your Horoscope
RI 512 How to Relax and Let your Lawn Grow
RI 513 Classic TV Guide Literature
RI 514 Recalling Bad Jokes
RI 515 Reciting Monty Pithon
RI 516 Repair and Maintenance of your Virginity

BUSINESS AND CAREER
RD 01 How I made 100¤ in Real Estate
RD 02 Money Can Make You Rich!
RD 03 Packaging and Selling your Children
RD 04 Carrer Opportunities in El Salvador
RD 05 How to Profit from your Genetalia
RD 06 The Underachiever's Guide to Very Small Business Opportunities
RD 07 Tax Shelters for the Indigent
RD 08 Looters' Guide to American Cities
RD 09 Mortgage Reduction Through Arson
RD 10 Retirement as a Career for Ages 16 through 26
RD 11 Reading Between the Lines
RD 12 Profit from your own Funeral
RD 13 Tricking your own Mother for Money
RD 14 Daring to be a Beggar
RD 15 Gambling your way to prosperity
RD 16 Making money from TV Guide Study
RD 17 Piracy

ECONOMICS
LJ 401 Europe on 5000¤ per day
LJ 402 Pen and Pencil repair
LJ 403 Convert your KIRBY Vacuum to a Fully Automatic Rifle
LJ 404 How to Convert your Family Room into a Garage
LJ 405 Burglarproof your Home with Cement
LJ 406 Basic Kitchen Taxidermy
LJ 407 Sinus Drainage at Home
LJ 408 1001 Uses for your KIRBY Vacuum
LJ 409 Financing your KIRBY Vacuum
LJ 410 How to Convert a Wheelchair into a Dune Buggy
LJ 411 Christianity and the Art of R.V. Maintenance
LJ 412 Cat Hair Macrame
LJ 413 What to Do with your Conversation Pit
LJ 414 Inexpensive Lawn Care Through Cement

HEALTH AND FITNESS
JC 201 Itchy-gitchy-goo-Kwon-Do: The Martial Art for frady cats
JC 202 Creative Tooth Decay
JC 203 Exorcism and Acne
JC 204 The Joys of Hypochondria
JC 205 High Fiber Sex
JC 206 Suicide for your Health
JC 207 Understanding Female Nudity (already full)
JC 208 Biofeedback and how to Stop your Heart
JC 209 Skate Yourself to Regularity
JC 210 Understanding Male Nudity
JC 211 Tap Dance your way to Ridicule
JC 212 Dressing Right/Dressing Left - it can change your life
JC 213 The Braille System of Anatomy
JC 214 Impersonating a Doctor

ARTS AND CRAFTS
BD 301 Bad Modern Art Appreciation
BD 302 Old Architecture: GOOD! New Architecture: BAD!
BD 303 Self-Actualization through Macrame
BD 304 Needlecraft for Junkies
BD 305 Cuticle Crafts
BD 306 Gifts for the Senile
BD 307 Bonsai your Pets
BD 308 How to Draw a Navel
BD 309 Stained Glass for your Car's Windshield
BD 310 Scultping your Facial Hair

A helicopter was flying above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it up in the helicopter window. The pilot's sign said, "Where am I?" in large letters.

The people in the tall bulding quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it to the window of their building. Their sign read, "You are in a helicopter."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at the map, determined the course to steer to the SEATAC airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "You are in a helicopter" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer!"

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?" "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision," said St. Peter.

"Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?"

"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

How Specs Live Forever

The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay] Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United State standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.

Xmas-physics

THERE'S THE STEALTH PLANE, THE INVISIBLE PLANE. WHAT GOOD IS AN INVISIBLE AIRPLANE GONNA DO? ENEMY LOOKS DOWN ON THEIR RADAR AND SAYS, "WELL, THERE'S NO AIRCRAFT HERE. BUT THERE'S TWO LITTLE GUYS IN A SITTING POSITION AT 40,000 FEET!

THE POWERFUL AND THE QUICK

God was very upset with mankind and its sinful path. God brings Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates to his presence and says:

-"I've lost my patience with my creation. One week from now, the world will cease to exist.

Clinton comes back to Washington, calls for a national broadcast:

-"My fellow Americans, I have one good news and one bad news to tell you. First, I've confirmed that God does exist. But I also learned that we all
shall perish within one week!...

Yeltsin arrives back in Russia, goes right back to the hospital, not without first telling Gen. Lebed to spread the news:

-"My comrades, I have one bad news and one very bad news: God does exist and we shall destroyed within a week...

Bill Gates arrives at Microsoft headquarters and goes immediately on-line to share the news with his employees:

-"My people, I have one good and one extremely good news to tell you. First, God himself thinks that I am among the three most important men on
earth! Second, we won't have to fix any bugs on Windows 95!!!!

Perfect Woman