Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" she asked. "None" replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away". "Well, the answer is four", said the teacher, "but I like the way you are thinking". Little Johnny said: "I have a question for you now. If there are three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one is licking her cone, the second is biting the cone and the third is sucking the cone, which one is married"? "Well" said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone"? "No", said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking"!

THE LITTLE OLD LADY AND THE BET

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said,"Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to
take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.

He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

Fact about lawyers...

This 13 year old girl came into her mother's bedroom and flopped down on the bed.

"Mom" she said, "Johnny and I were talking. Can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"

Her mother's heart stopped for a moment. The implications were obvious but she didn't know exactly how to handle the matter. All of a sudden it came to her.

"Of course you can dear, where do you think lawyers come from?"

Girlfriend 1.0

A man goes to a busy restaurant and sits down at the only empty table. As he sits down, he accidentally knocks the spoon off the table with his elbow. The waiter immediately takes a spoon from his pocket and places it on the table. The man, impressed by the promptness of the service
asks, " do all the waiters carry a spoon in their pockets?" The waiter answers " We had an efficiency expert evaluate our operation and he determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off their tables and that by carrying a spare spoon on us, we save a trip to the kitchen and can be much more efficient." Later as the customer asked for his bill he remarked to the waiter "Excuse me, but why do you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter answered " that efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much time washing our hands after we went to the bathroom, so the other end of this string is attached to my penis, and when I go to the bathroom, I simply use the string and never having touched myself, I don't need to wash my hands." The customer asks "then how do you get your penis back in your pants?" The waiter replies "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.!!"

A MAN IS OUT IN THE CHINESE WILDERNESS AND HE'S HOPELESSLY LOST. IT'S BEEN NEARLY THREE WEEKS SINCE HE'S EATEN ANYTHING BESIDES WHAT HE COULD FORAGE AND HE'S BEEN REDUCED TO SLEEPING IN CAVES AND UNDER TREES.

ONE AFTERNOON HE COMES UPON AN OLD MANSION IN THE WOODS. IT HAS VINES COVERING MOST OF IT AND THE MAN CAN'T SEE ANY OTHER BUILDINGS IN THE AREA. HOWEVER, HE SEES SMOKE COMING OUT OF THE CHIMNEY IMPLYING SOMEONE IS HOME.

HE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR AND AN OLD MAN ANSWERS, WITH A BEARD ALMOST DOWN TO THE GROUND. THE OLD MAN SQUINTS HIS EYES AND SAYS "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

THE MAN SAYS "I'VE BEEN LOST FOR THE PAST THREE WEEKS AND HAVEN'T HAD A DECENT MEAL OR SLEEP SINCE THAT TIME. I WOULD BE MOST GRACIOUS IF I COULD HAVE A MEAL AND SLEEP IN YOUR HOUSE FOR TONIGHT"

THE OLD CHINESE MAN SAYS "I'LL LET YOU COME IN ON ONE CONDITION: YOU CANNOT MESS AROUND WITH MY GRANDAUGHTER"

THE MAN, EXHAUSTED AND HUNGRY READILY AGREES, SAYING "I PROMISE I WON'T CAUSE YOU ANY TROUBLE. I'LL BE ON MY WAY TOMMORROW MORNING"

THE OLD CHINESE MAN COUNTERS "OK, BUT IF I DO CATCH YOU THEN I'LL GIVE YOU THE THREE WORST CHINESE TORTURE TESTS EVER KNOWN TO MAN."

"OK, OK" THE MAN SAID AS HE ENTERED THE OLD HOUSE. BESIDES, HE THOUGHT TO HIMSELF, WHAT KIND OF WOMAN WOULD LIVE OUT IN THE WILDERNESS ALL HER LIFE?

WELL, THAT NIGHT, WHEN THE MAN CAME DOWN TO EAT (AFTER SHOWERING), HE SAW HOW BEAUTIFUL THE GRANDAUGHTER WAS. SHE WAS AN ABSOLUTE PEARL, AND WHILE HE HAD ONLY BEEN LOST THREE WEEKS, IT HAD BEEN MANY,MANY MONTHS WITHOUT COMPANIONSHIP. AND THE GIRL HAD ONLY SEEN THE OCCASIONAL MONK BESIDES HER GRANDFATHER AND WELL, THEY BOTH COULDN'T KEEP THEIR EYES OFF EACH OTHER THROUGHOUT THE MEAL.

THAT NIGHT, THE MAN SNUCK INTO THE GIRLS' BEDROOM AND THEY HAD QUITE A TIME, BUT HAD KEPT THE NOISE DOWN TO A MINIMUM. THE MAN CREPT BACK TO HIS ROOM LATER THAT NIGHT THINKING TO HIMSELF, "ANY THREE TORTURE TESTS WOULD BE WORTH IT AFTER THAT EXPERIENCE."

WELL, THE NEXT MORNING THE MAN AWOKE TO A HEAVY WEIGHT ON HIS CHEST. HE OPENED HIS EYES AND THERE WAS THIS HUGE ROCK ON HIS CHEST. ON THE ROCK WAS A SIGN SAYING "1ST CHINESE TORTURE TEST: 100 LB ROCK ON YOUR CHEST".

"WHAT A LAME TORTURE TEST" THE MAN THOUGHT TO HIMSELF AS HE GOT UP AND WALKED OVER TO THE WINDOW. HE OPENED THE SHUTTER AND THREW THE ROCK OUT. ON THE BACKSIDE OF THE ROCK IS ANOTHER SIGN SAYING "2ND WORST CHINESE TORTURE TEST: ROCK TIED TO RIGHT TESTICLE".

THE MAN, SEEING THE ROCK WAS TOO FAR OUT THE WINDOW TO BE GRABBED, JUMPS OUT THE WINDOW AFTER THE ROCK. OUTSIDE THE WINDOW IS A THIRD SIGN SAYING "3RD WORST CHINESE TORTURE TEST: LEFT TESTICLE TIED TO BEDPOST".

A YOUNG BOY IS SITTING ON HIS BACK PORCH STEPS. HIS MOTHER IS IN THE HOUSE WASHING DISHES AND LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW TO KEEP AN EYE ON HER SON. SHE SEES THAT HE IS FINE EATING HIS M&MS AND PETTING HIS CAT. BUT, THE NEXT TIME SHE LOOKS THE LITTLE BOY THROWS AN M&M UP INTO THE AIR, CATCHES IT IN HIS MOUTH, PICKS THE CAT UP BY THE TAIL, LICKS ITS ASS AND MOVES DOWN A STEP.

THE MOTHER WHIPES HER EYES, THINKING SHE WAS JUST SEEING THINGS. BUT, HE DOES IT AGAIN, THROWS THE M&M UP INTO THE AIR, CATCHES IT IN HIS MOUTH, PICKS UP THE CAT BY THE TAIL, LICKS ITS ASS AND MOVES DOWN A STEP. NEEDLESS TO SAY THE MOTHER RUNS OUT AND SHOUTS AT HIM: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

THE LITTLE BOY REPLIES: "I'M PLAYING TRUCK DRIVER MOMMY."

"TRUCK DRIVER? WHAT'S THAT?"

THE LITTLE BOY REPLIES: "I'M POPPIN' PILLS, EATING PUSSY AND MOVIN' ON" "

One day, four Nuns are going on a field trip in their convent's van. Unfortunately, they are involved in a car accident and all of them are killed. So, of course, the four Nuns find themselves at the gates of Heaven.

At the gates of Heaven, the four nuns meet an angel gatekeeper. And on the floor, next to the gatekeeper, there is a large golden bowl containing holy water. Before passing through the gate, however, the gatekeeper stops them and he declares, "Before entering into the Holy Land, sisters, you must confess all of your worldly sins, and theb you must cleanse yourselves of these sins in the holy water."

So the first nun walks up. She thinks of all the bad things she's done, and finally tells the angel, "In my life, I once touched a man's penis with my finger." And so she dips her finger in the holy water and walks through the Gates of Heaven.

The second nun then walks up. She thinks of all the bad things she's done, and tells the angel, "In my life, I once held a man's penis in my hand." She then dips her entire hand into the holy water and she walks through the Gates of Heaven.

Then the third nun walks up. And she thinks of all the bad things that SHE'S done. But before she can say something, the fourth nun runs up red faced and stinking angry and yells, "ALRIGHT, HONEY! If you think I'm gonna wash my MOUTH in that after SHE washes her ASS in it, you've
GOT TO BE KIDDING!!!"

Definition of Politics

SON: "Dad, I have to do a special report at school. Can I ask you a question?"

DAD: "Sure son, what's the question?"

SON: "What is POLITICS?"

DAD: "Well, lets take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me MANAGEMENT. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her GOVERNMENT. We take care of you and your needs, so let's call you the PEOPLE. We'll call the maid the WORKING CLASS and your baby brother the FUTURE. Do you understand?"

SON: "I'm not really sure Dad, I'll have to think about it.

That night the boy was awakened by his baby brother's crying so the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby seriously soiled his diaper, the son went to his parent's room and found mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid's room, where peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard by his father and maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

--- The next morning ---

SON: "Dad, now I think I understand POLITICS.

DAD: "That's great son, explain it to me in your own words."

SON: "Well Dad, while MANAGEMENT is screwing the WORKING CLASS, the GOVERNMENT is fast asleep. The PEOPLE are being completely ignored, and the FUTURE is full of shit.

TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND,

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

About an egg

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whoever gets up quicker wins the egg." The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you." The Scotsman said, "Keep the fucking egg."

What women say...
...What they mean...


Can't we just be friends?
There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine again.

Yes
You have a sporting chance, but don't get your hopes up.

I just need some space
...without you in it

Can you help me with my homework?
If I keep whining, the fool will do it for me.

Do I look fat in this dress?
We haven't had a fight in a while

No, pizza's fine
Cheap bastard

I just do not want a boyfriend now
I just do not want you as a boy-friend now

I don't know; what do you want to do?
I can't believe that you have nothing planned

Come here
My puppy does this too

I like you but...
I don't like you

You never listen
You never listen

We're moving too quickly
I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy in Bio has a girlfriend

I'll be ready in a minute
I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will.

Oh, no, I will pay for myself
I am just being nice; there is no way I am going dutch

Oh Yes] Right there
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with

I'm just going out with the girls
We are gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends

You are so nice]
You are such a wimp I could never be sexually attracted to you

There's no one else
I am doing your brother

Size doesn't count...
Unless I want an orgasm

What did you do today?
You better have a damn good reason for not calling

THE POPE WAS STUDING OVER A CROSSWORD PUZZLE AND CALLED HIS MONSSIGNIOR FOR HELP "WHAT A FOUR LETTER WORD RELATING TO WOMEN WHICH ENDS WITH 'UNT' ?" AAAAHM,I I THINK THAT WOULD HAVE TO BE AUNT" REPLIED THE MONSIGNIOR. "YES OF COURSE," MURMURED THE POPE. "DO YOU HAVE AN ERASER THAT I COULD BORROW?"

TEACHER: "JOHNNY , WHY ARE YOU LATE?"

JOHNNY: "THIS MORNING I HAD TO BRING OUT THE BULL TO THE COW"

TEACHER: "THATS NO EXCUSE, I KNOW FOR FACT THAT YOUR FATHER IS UNEMPLOYED, SO WHY COULDN'T HE DO IT ?!!!"

JOHNNY: " NO MISSS, IT'S GOTTA BE THE BULL...."

did you hear about the guy who lost the use of his entire left side??

no

he's all right now

A YOUNG MAN GOES INTO A DRUG STORE TO BUY CONDOMS. THE PHARMACIST SAYS THE CONDOMS COME IN PACKS OF 3, 9 OR 12 AND ASKS WHICH THE YOUNG MAN WANTS. "WELL", HE SAID, "I'VE BEEN SEEING THIS GIRL FOR A WHILE AND SHE'S REALLY HOT. I WANT THE CONDOMS BECAUSE I THINK TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT. WE'RE HAVING DINNER WITH HER PARENTS, AND THEN WE'RE GOING OUT. ONCE SHE'S HAD ME, SHE'LL WANT ME ALL THE TIME, SO YOU'D BETTER GIVE ME THE 12 PACK". THE YOUNG MAN MAKES HIS PURCHASE AND LEAVES. LATER THAT EVENING, HE SITS DOWN TO DINNER WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND AND HER PARENTS. HE ASKS IF HE MIGHT GIVE THE BLESSING, AND THEY AGREE. HE BEGINS THE PRAYER, BUT CONTINUES PRAYING FOR SEVERAL MINUTES. THE GIRL LEANS OVER AND SAYS, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME THAT YOU WERE SUCH A RELIGIOUS PERSON". HE LEANS OVER TO HER AND SAYS, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME THAT YOUR FATHER IS A PHARMACIST".

WHEN I DIE, I HOPE I DIE LIKE MY GRANDFATHER DID, QUIETLY IN MY SLEEP, NOT SCREAMING LIKE THE PASSENGERS IN HIS CAR!

AN OFFICE MANAGER ARRIVES AT HIS DEPARTMENT AND SEES AN EMPLOYEE SITTING BEHIND HIS DESK TOTALLY STRESSED OUT. HE GIVES HIM THE ADVICE: "I WENT HOME EVERY AFTERNOON FOR TWO WEEKS AND HAD MYSELF PAMPERED BY MY WIVE. IT WAS FANTASTIC AND IT REALLY HELPED. YOU SHOULD TRY IT TOO!". TWO WEEKS LATER WHEN THE MANAGER ARRIVES AT HIS DEPARTMENT HE SEES THE MAN HAPPY AND FULL OF ENERGY AT HIS DESK. THE FAXES ARE PILING UP AND THE COMPUTER IS RUNNING AT FULL SPEED. "I SEE YOU FOLLOWED MY ADVICE?". "I DID", ANSWERS THE EMPLOYEE, "IT WAS GREAT! BY THE WAY I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD SUCH A NICE HOUSE!".

An old couple returns home after a vacation. On the way to the airport the taxi driver asks: "Where are you going?". The old man says: "To Canada". The old lady says: "What did he say?". The old man: "He asked where we are going". The taxi driver says: "Where in Canada?". The old chap: "Toronto". The old madam: "What did he say?". The old man: "He asked where in Canada". Taxi driver: "Toronto? I've had the worse sex of my live in Toronto". The old lady: "What did he say?". The old man: "He recognizes you from ealier days".

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have something very important to tell you. I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After supper, George's dad took him aside for a little chat. "Son, I have bad news for you," he confessed. "When I was young I used to fool around with women a lot, and Susan is actually your half sister. I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was terribly broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. And a year later he came home and very proudly announced: "Dianne said yes] We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."

There was nothing left but for George to feel so much anger and grief. He decided to see his mother about his problems. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl's my half sister."

With tears in her eyes and with so much hesitation, his mother said, "George, don't pay any attention to what your dad says. As you see, I did some fooling around myself, and he's not really your father."